Sea Maiden by *Roggles
So currently I am at my church meeting where all the older people get together to talk decisions and what not. But my view and mind set is kind of set on this cute boy. He looks at least 13, hopefully and hes white… My white boy fetish(; But hes all dressed up and he sings in the church band. Maybe I should come to chruch more. Lls. But idk maybe i should approach him. Because we have exchanged glances, but no words. Hes Blonde, husky, I havent been close enough to see his eyes. Plus he looks adorable, i kinda wanna face rape him (Face Rape: Grabbing someobes face, out of no where, and kiss them for about a minute). Damn hes cute. Im going straight to hell, having all my dirty thoughts in church xD But after this we are having Cole (Cousin-in-law / Friend) a little birthday dinner at some Wings and Ribs place or some shit. But currently starving I am excited for that. Plus i might bot be grounded much longer. Soo hopefully I can hang with Payton and Kaitlynn, I already agreed so either way im going #REBEL Lls. Well thats an update and I believe I have all days of the week planned this is how it will go. UPDATE MODAYS. Inspirational Tuesday. Mood Swing Wensday. Thursday brake. FRIDAY AND SATURDAY VIDEOS!!!. And Sunday Funday. (BTW i forgot to post my Friday Saturday videos. I will do that later, Sorry.) Love You Guys
When my closest friends are like “Yeah your fake”. I know they ment it to help and be like, change. But i dont take it like that. This is the last place I can speak my voice and no one see it. My cry for help? maybe. Who cares? no body. I can actually see most of my friends laughing if they ever saw this post. My inner demons are just to much. Im in my emotions. One person can pull me out and they barely talk to me. I loved my life, but it pains me to say its over. Im not going to commit suicide. Im just going to stop caring. And I already feel kind of dead.
Inspiration Tuesday.
This has actually helped me and do a lot of inner reflection.
Today I woke up late. Only having 20 minutes to get ready really set me back, mood wise. I wasn’t really mad, but my morning started with rush. And i don’t like that. But when I got to school everything was GREAT, my first two classes went by fast. And congratulations to me for passing exams and SOL’s. Then lunch comes. I started off by asking the girls if they were eating lunch today. They said yes, at the time I was like #NotHungry. Then after what seemed like hours of waiting anticipating when the girls would be back. Hour by hour I waited, then a sudden glance up revealed him… My crush as my eyes unfocused from everything but him I could see hearts around him. He was amazing. As I stared he knew he was approaching my table. His slight glance at me was usually followed by a smile, he still wouldn’t look completely at me just a smile looking straight forward it was our code of acknowledging each other, an unspoken code, but a code none the less. But for some reason his glance was followed by nothing, but a blank expression. I was kind of surprised are unspoken code had been broken. The only other time that this had happened was when he got mad at me for like 2 weeks. So my head rushed to thinking horrible thoughts, which was really dramatic of me. I had a vision, it was a silent movie, I was in lunch sitting there he walked up and started talking *How could you do this to me? Love me and not tell me!* and my face went blank, I was confused and said *I don’t know what your talking about* everything was fast and he slapped me and mouthed *You damn well know what Im talking about, you know how I feel* and as I continued with my little movie scene, something snapped me out of it. In the bland, plain real world I heard kids screaming, it was the peak (Peak: The time of lunch were every student in 1st lunch is sitting and yelling to there friends) and it seemed a little quiet for me. Noticing finally that Kaitlynn and Yordanos were not back. So I got up to look for them, noticing they were still in a line.When I was walking back to the girls I saw Kevin again and he didn’t give me the pat on my shoulder that he always gave me, so obviously I thought he was mad at me. When ever he gave me the pat he tugged a little as if gesturing to walk with him, we never really clarified if he was pushing me to come with him or just trying to give me a little push. It took them two more minutes, so I got a sandwich. When we finally did sit down Cherow was there and we all sat and was talking. I mentioned how I wasn’t looking forward to 3rd period, with my crush which two of the girls didn’t know about, but then Kaitlynn said with “Kevin” and as I slightly looked at Yordanos to see if she was going to react to my crush I had been talking about for 7 weeks and she didn’t. Kaitlynn must have already told her. But whatever I didn’t give two shits. So then I answered “Yeah and Kaitlynn thanks for putting my business out there you stupid bitch” obviously she wasn’t going to get mad cause she was my best friend and she answered with her little smirk ”Yeah your welcome, but why are you not looking forward to it?” “I’m not looking forward to it because he hasn’t said a word to me.” I could tell Kaitlynn thought I was over reacting, but there wasn’t a day that went by he didn’t say hi to me in the cafeteria before class, unless we were not speaking. And she replied with irritation in her voice “Wow, You really need to come out of your imaginary world” “I’m not in my imaginary world! Is there ever a day I don’t get some type of gesture that at least know I exist in this ever expanding world?” “Yeah, I have something to tell you” “What?” “Okay, so Jose did tell Kevin all those things about the dream and your crush and… yeah” When Kaitlynn told me that my heart sank and my mind started racing. I wasn’t sure if this was good because, he had heard about my dream were we grow up and have an Asian baby and a couple of our own (via artificial insemination through some white bitch) and how I have a huge crush on him, but he stilled talked to me everyday. But then I started thinking of maybe that’s why he didn’t do the smile or the pat so It was definitely up and down. “Kaitlynn *Throws bread at her*, god dammit you little bastard” After that we kind of just dropped it, then the drop came (The Drop: Everyone gets up and Drops there plastic trays in the trash and stands around until the bell rings 2 minutes after. Now I was walking to third period just down the hallway. Walking into class I ran into my long time frenemy Lauren. Now recently I had outed Lauren as bisexual only because she outed me as bisexual stemming back to our long time rivalry. She is the reason this kid, Tucker, thinks im in love with him or something… which is obviously not the case I only have eyes for one boy. Anyway we, with hast, squashed are problems… for now. When I got into class I didn’t really say anything, but I had to go to the bathroom so I left. When I got back to the class everyone was being loud, so it was normal, I walked to my seat and then Kevin actually talked to me, and we only said like 2 words to each other and my heart was pounding, just knowing he knew and still talked to me and smiled and laughed and didn’t make it awkward. I really loved every moment we spent together it made me forget about everything else. Then as we were about to start talking about ‘stuff’ I needed to talk with him about, my teacher thought it would be cute *That stank bitch* to call me to go do a lab. I couldn’t believe she sent me with the only 2 spazoids (Spazoid: Spazoids are the kids with quirks, like OD anger issues or nobody likes them so they are automatically sent into the Spaziod section). This made me MAD AS FUCK, this hoe ripped me away from the man that made everything better to put me with two fuckeries (Fuckeries: Fuckeries are the mass production of society dependent on there age group. Fuckeries can also mean Basic people that have no relevance to my life). But I did as the teacher said. Explain to me why the Spazoids get to chill and work in the coolest teachers lounge, so two Dr. Whams later I was back in class. Kevin usually snuck back to my table when I was gone, so the teacher wouldn’t really notice. Anyway I walked back to my seat and he was standing in front of the table. I snuck his stool from under him and took it. He was playing this weird post apocalyptic game, so i saw it as the perfect opportunity to spark a conversation. “Yoookay? (Yoookay: It does not mean “You okay?” it means Whats up?)” “I’m fine” “My bad i need to speak normal with you i forgot, so what you doing?” “I’m playing this game.” I loved the sound of his voice. “Cool, so I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.” “What?” how he was only half paying attention to me and half to the game, it was kind of irritating, but cute. Everything he did I found cute and that made me mad. “Can we talk about what you hear-” “Oh my gosh they are ganging up on me” “That’s rough Kevin but can we talk about what you heard about me?” “I just heard some stuff.” “For real Kevin! I need to know what you heard, so i can squash any rumors.” ” Its okay I only believe what I want and for now I -” My teacher interrupted him “Guys lets be quiet and watch the presentation.” and all I was thinking was that I needed to talk to Kevin, but he had to move back to his own table. After that we did’t talk and I feel I have to talk to him NOT about what he heard just to talk to him. To hear his voice and see his smile and melt in his eyes, to tap on his back and feel his muscular arms and rub his back a bit. To here him laugh and to just talk to him, we could have a conversation about anything and he could make me feel like I’m zoning (Zoning: Entering a state were its only me and the person I like). When the bell finally rang I just walked to my next class, having amber cary my bag and me having nothing, but a pencil and soda in my hands I felt like a bad bitch. Soon to be running the school. The seniors now rule the school and they are almost gone and next year the control is up for grabs. The seniors, now juniors, will try to take it, but wont get the better of my grade. Anywho I walked to my next class (across the hall) and met up with my little crew that stands together before class. The group is Me, Karim, Yasmine, Deemo, Lizzie, Anna sometimes transitioning other people in and out, but theres always those 6 people. Anyway 5 minutes in to 4th period, thankfully the last period of the day, my science teacher asks me if I can come with her to finish some shit. So we walked to the library to see if there were any Mac’s available or anything i could work with and there were not any Mac’s, but there was definitly something I could work with, Kevin was in the library and the librarian almost sat me next to his older sister. And I was like OMG time to get to know the family. Just kidding, but then I ended up walking straight past Kevin and he inhaled deeply and looked up. I heard him so i looked back and we both smiled. It made us laugh. Eventually I ended up in this room full of 10th graders in the back corner working on my project. Finishing that in 5 minutes, I finished and went back to class. The next class I had was Intro to Childhood Development. I really liked this class cause I had cool friends in it and I was the only guy so NO niggas around just straight pussy. That might sound like a dog, but I really miss pussy. And Lizzie is in that class, shes hot and I really want to give her the D. But it is really fucking hard to flirt with Lizzie, and I really want to, but the girl I kind of fell in love with and then hit the floor with is sitting right next to me. Its a square table. Me and Yasmine sit on one side and right next to me is Lizzie. At the beginning of the semester I really wanted to be with Yasmine and when we talk about it we both thought there was something, but then rumors she was dating Ranon made me want to stop talking to her and not to mention I had a boyfriend. But I still had feelings for her and they haven’t faded away. And I though I was just going to see her every other day once a day for the rest of the year. But now I get to see her next semester in 1st period Bdays (When we barely talk cause I hate everything about mornings) and 2nd period every day for the rest of the year. I hope we have open seating so we can sit together again next semester. But next semester starts next week Monday. So im hype to see whats going to happen next to semester, maybe shell brake up with her boyfriend… That ratchet nigga. After school I hung with Kaitlynn and had a list of things i needed to tell here a.k.a.everything I just blogged about. But we were interrupted by Seth and Trequisha. We spent most of the time with thim just chillin, then we had and in depth conversation with Shakayla (Lesbian women) and how she wanted to adopt with her girlfriend christy (who was also there) and when ever I talk to Shakayla I feel better, she was in my position at one point, a confused teen thats just trying to find there way and dealing with people on how they think im Bi. And I really need to keep doing what I’m doing. Imma keep on calling out IP (IP: Indusrty Pussy: Pussy that slaps every nigga claiming to be thug) and Imma keep callin out the Fuckeries and Imma keep living my life until I die. Just to let you know, you just heard thing my best friend doesnt know… Hahah, I’ll update tomorrow.
- The Cadett
It is 2013 and I am starting a new chapter. This year is going to be better than any year proir. This year I will be positive and have a better outlook on life and people. Everybody gets a new start and everyone will learn the real me, the real Anthony.